CHRISTMAS BOOST
What I would really like for Christmas
Christmas. Five hundred wordsâŠ
Preferably something uplifting.
Especially after this rotter of a yearâŠ
MmmâŠHow about some wine ? That might help.
A glass of mulled wine always helps the muse to flow, doesnât it?
If you can still tolerate red wine that is.
Did you know women used to worship the god of wine?
Before Christmas became Christ-mas.
Yeah. Thereâs a play all about it. âThe Bacchae.â
They had a cult to Dionysus.
They were so fed up with everything, one day they just tore it all apart.
Ripping their King into tiny little pieces.
Some days I can relate to them quite well.
Not just the ones when Iâve forgotten to change my patch either.
Iâm not suggesting murdering anyone. Not exactly.
But when they saw the men in charge had lost the plot completely.
They took matters into their own hands
And it gives me another idea
For a new kind of Christmas story which we could write.
Women havenât had access to pens for very long.
Explains a lot really.
Humans have been writing for over 5000 years.
But even in 1970 women only authored 20% of books.
Now we publish more than men.
Not bad. But weâve only just begun, havenât we?
And Iâm pretty sure we could write a Christmas story which everybody would appreciate.
If you could have anything in the whole wide world âŠ
What would you want for Christmas?
What gift would you give the rest of the human race?
Wouldnât you grab hold of our leaders?
Then â letâs keep it clean for now âŠ
Build a great big rocket?
Put the men whoâve wrecked everything the most inside â
Play some nice slow Christmas music.
You could tell them you were just getting them in the mood.
While you gently lit those rocket boosters.
Itâs such a long long way to Mars.
It would take them ten months to get there.
Finally weâd actually want to listen to what they were up to.
Weâd all be getting the popcorn ready.
Crowdfunding for their extra bags of ketamine too.
No golfclubs for Tango Mussolini though.
Little boys donât need too many toys at Christmas.
But just imagine the road-trip theyâd have together.
The Sweet Potato Hitler. The Moron of Tesla.
The Angel of Destruction. Pootie Poot.
We wouldnât want Fromage feeling left out.
Especially given how much he loves leaving the UK.
Picture them all â Iâll only ask you to do it once.
Snuggled up together, in a huge rocket.
Cosy as a pack of Russian dolls.
Listening to spangly Christmas jingles on repeat
For months on end.
Jingle Bell Rock. Feliz Navidad.
Driving Home For Christmas.
Mistletoe and Wine.
Again and again and again and again.
In an infinite interstellar loop
Just for them.
Quality time for the boys.
Quality time for the rest of us too.
Their childhood Christmas dreams â and ours
Coming true simultaneously.
Isnât that just the boost
Weâve all been longing for?
I love how deliciously evil this is, and yet it still doesnât come close to the evil these men have collectively inflicted on the world, does it. It makes for rather glorious poetry though!
Yes please!